I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
