Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
