what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
