she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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