Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
