fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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