Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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