Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
