Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
