i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
