OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My vagina is very pro this idea
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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