I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
