I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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