Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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