I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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