Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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