dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
