I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
