Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
