so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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