note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize