That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
