i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
