Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
