Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's shark week go big or go home
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
