Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
