I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
