If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
