a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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