were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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