listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
home. puking in laundry basket.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
