I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
