Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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