I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
