i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
