i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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