I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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