she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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