Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
