is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
