I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
