I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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