I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
this hospital has no fireball
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
