Small penises have feelings too.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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