good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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