So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
