I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
