I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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