I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
