Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
