I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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