My room smells like vodka and shame
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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