You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
whose parrot is this?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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