I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
