I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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