I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
