I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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