Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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