capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
