All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
