so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
