Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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