Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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