Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
