when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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