Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
