there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
