The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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